I am confused - 1

I told myself, "I'm going to forget about you, move on with my life and put everything behind me!" I really tried to control myself to forget you. I know it will hurt but what can I do if you are treating me so coldly? I wasn't really excited for school today. Actually, I DON'T WANT to go to school. I am sick of seeing your irritated face. How much I really want to talk to you, I need to throw away those feelings. Damnit.

For 4 months already, I wished you would come and sit with us. Chat with us, with me. I had been wishing that for SO SO SO long. Today, when I wished that you wouldn't come, you came. You were sitting right in front of me. What am I suppose to do?! I can't look at your face! All I did was look behind me. What the hell, of all those times. Why today?! The day when I wanted to give up!

Sitting in front of me is not that bad, but why do you keep talking to Apple? Are you expecting me to talk to you or something? Cause' I don't! You treat me so cold, I should do the same! You want me to treat you like Limping Kook, huh? Don't worry, I will! Then you will know how it feels to be treated coldly!

Today, when I don't want to see you, I so happened to see you everywhere. When we were buying things from the Koperasi, why were you standing beside me?! You never wanna come near me. Yeah, I think you realized I was shaking. I panicked and asked random questions to Little Brain. Gosh, I must be such a fool. During recess, you were trying to throw a bottle at Kyle. Slamming it on the table for? Attention?

It's not bringing you any!

I know I told Apple I will forget about you, and I also know that I'm seriously lying. How can I forget about you so easily?! Even if I can't have you, I don't want anyone else to have you instead. I know I'm selfish. I don't think I can give you to anyone, cause I don't trust them. I can't give you to that IT. She's obviously so desperate for a boyfriend. You will just date you then dump you. I don't want you to be hurt ):

Anyway, tomorrow we are having some dinner thing together. BBQ time with the girls and dudes. I organized it on purpose, I did not invite you. I want you to know how it feels to be left out. Although you don't give a shit about it. Well, we'll see how it goes. Till then.

Calling you gay, would probably be the worst thing that I ever said. I don't care if I said bad words. I regretted so much after saying that. Truly, I never stop loving you.